The 2013 Jimmy Awards: Artist of the Year

By Gene Ral

A recent emphasis on getting back to the roots or essence of musicality is being reflected in modern bands' latest efforts. The result is stripped down "acoustic" indie rock which is still over produced and artistically flat. If Gene has to listen to one more poorly banjoed love ballad from an alliteratively titled "folk" band, it might just as well mark the end of his existence in the world of the hearing.

If one wants to listen to good music, listen to Beethoven, Townes Van Zandt, or Hall and Oates. As far as Gene is concerned, it's all been done before, and with the accessibility of music today, there's no reason new music need even be created. We have the entire history of music at our fingertips and anything that comes out now can be easily traced back to a work that was at it's time original, exciting, and novel. Until humans can be trained to hear sounds that weren't available to our hearing spectrum 30 years ago, there's not going to be anything "new". That's why new music needs to be taken gently out of the ears and thrust violently into the eyes.

There is, today, one bright shining star who knows that new music should be seen and not heard: a young woman who isn't afraid to stay true to her art, who knows that music and performance go hand in hand, who exudes confidence, embodies art, and oozes more sensuality than a tube of K-Y Jelly. Gene is writing, of course, about Destiny Hope, or as you know her, Miley Cyrus.

America's 21 year old sweetheart knows that her music isn't going to be any good, just as nothing else coming through the recording industry's mixing tables is going to be any good. That's why her music is secondary, if not tertiary (Gene would certainly rather smell her than listen to her), to her visual performance. When the video for "We Can't Stop" hit the airwaves in June, it only took one glimpse of Miley's distended cow tongue for Gene to be hooked. The writhing, the gratuitous crotch shots, the sopping wet pool wrestling were just icing on the cake. Then in September came the release of probably the greatest 3 minutes and 42 seconds in music history. Gene is referring, of course, to the music video for "Wrecking Ball". This one has it all: the tongue, the legs, the aerodynamic haircut, and enough underboob to have Gene tucking up into his belt like a tenth grader in science class. The plot is simple: a naked nubile cries, rides a wrecking ball as it destroys a cinderblock room, then performs fellatio on a sledge hammer. The wrecking ball is probably a metaphor for a destructive relationship, but who knows? Gene has never actually listened to the song.

For all she has done for music this year, Gene has no choice but to send Miley a huge no look gun and award her his endorsement for Artist of the Year.

Now, for your eyes only, here's the video for "Wrecking Ball":

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